Adult children of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder often struggle with many aspects of the relationship (or lack thereof) with the parent that has BPD. Responses of adult-children with a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder to questions from A.J. Mahari about ending the relationship with a borderline parent.
Often Borderline Personality Disorder so negatively impacts relationships that even what one would hope could be or would be a relationship with a borderline parent is one that needs to ended in order for them adult child to heal and find a healthier way of relating and living his or her own life.
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze - Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD - On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Given that you are the adult-child of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and you likely can't or don't want to leave or end the relationship like a spouse may, how would you respond, based upon your experience, to the following questions:
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
My brother and sister have. They call her by her first name, and refuse to take her calls, mail, etc.
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the outcome/benefit for you?
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
The shame only gets worse, and the low self-esteem from not taking control of your only life only gets lower. Everyone deserves a chance to live without being vilified and hated, especially by one's on parent, sibling, spouse, or child.
I know that is strong, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have run away around 14 or so, and never looked back.
39 Female, White, Mother BPD, and father bipolar schizophrenic.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio.
- Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or 6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs
- Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks or Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD - The Inner Child Audio Program
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
But I think that a clean break is the best way, just let them know why you can´t deal with them any longer. Many BPD's, at least the high-functional kind (like my mom) won´t face the fact that they are indeed mentally ill until they are confronted.
Not entirely,I feel too guilty to do that yet. I know I´m too soft at times, but, she always promises to behave, respect us and/or starts to cry and tells me how much she loves me and misses me. I have a hard time being consequent then...
I honestly don´t know if I would benefit from breaking our relation altogether or if it is best for me to just keep it the way it is today, i.e, keeping her at a distance and just talk every now and then. She has partner and I guess she´ll marry him eventually (apparently he can stand her since they have been together for 2 years now, and actually, I think he has a soothing effect on her for some reason, maybe she subconsciously knows that she has to restrain herself in order to keep him). So I don´t feel that guilty for "abandoning" her any longer. She´s also less jealous and don´t need that much attention any longer.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
Be sure that this is what you want and listen to your heart, you will probably know what´s right for you. Be honest to the parent.
Cecilia
Cassia
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
By setting up boundaries, witch is a personal thing - everyone has their own boundaries.
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline parent?
I did end my relationship - I did not say to her that I am ending this - I told her that if she would not accept my boundaries I would not be able to be in touch with her.
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the outcome/benefit for you?
The benefits for me in my life have been that I have been able to grow as a person more than I ever have during my life time and I am 39 years old now.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
BM
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline parent?
My siblings and I are attempting to end the relationship with our BPD mother. This process has been ongoing for 6 months.
Our father died 10 months ago. Mother's problems escalated with his death. Just prior to and after our father's death Mother continuously vilified and told painful, outrageous lies about her children. When not lying about her children she told anyone who would listen, strangers included, how much much she was about to inherit or had inherited. My siblings and I walked away from Mother just a few days after our father's funeral.
It is important to note that my brother removed himself emotionally from mother several years before our father died. As a result, Mother viciously slandered and vilified him in their community and continues to do so. He is the only sibling living in close proximity. The rest of us live in other states.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
Parent yourself and each other. Be forewarned of all possible repercussions, i.e., vengeful or harmful acts by the BPD directed at you. That is, be prepared for clever and painful manipulation.
In addition, referring to the parent by their first name helps to eliminate the expectation that is implied by a parental title.
Debbie
- 3 Non Borderline Ebooks
- 6 Non Borderline Ebooks
- 3 Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD Series of Ebooks
- Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder The Lost Self The Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment Ebook 1
- Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder The Rock and a Hard Place in BPD The Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment Ebook 2
Are you an adult child of a borderline mother or father, or both? Are you still struggling to cope with the borderline mother or father in your life? Do you have unresolved issues that you'd like to discuss with others that understand? If so, please visit my Non Borderline Message Forum register to join in on many discussions taking place between non borderlines, family members etc and adult children of those with BPD in a relatively new section of this forum.
© A.J. Mahari, November 9, 2008 - All rights reserved.
I have just come upon this site and this topic resonated deeply with me as I am currently ending my relationship with my mother and it is very painful. While I know I have to do it for self preservation it is still enormously sad .... I have only just begun to feel this. So many flashbacks of hurtful times and anger at the lack of care I have felt from her. But it is confusing because I thought my wounds were healed and I had no desire to hurt or change her. Now when she is aging she has inflicted such ruthless disregard for me or my sister and brother and lied to justify her appalling behaviour. Now everything is clear and I am struggling to deal with the knowledge I have tried desperately to pretend....to convince myself that my mum was okay. It has brought my brother and sister together as she disowned all of us..then she tried to set tensions between us....now she says I am a ringleader against her. All those doubts the great pit of fear about me being manipulative and evil which I have wondered where these ideas came from..came from her! And I feel stupid I never realised!..Sorry for the rant..i am very raw at the moment. It feels good to write to people who may understand :)
Posted by: triki | May 11, 2009 at 10:33 AM