Are Borderlines Abandoned or Do They Abandon Others?
Abandonment in relationships with adults with Borderline Personality Disorder - are borderlines abandoned or do they abandon others? Often times borderlines will abandon others before they can be abandoned. The only catch-22 in this is that the borderline, more often than not, perceives that he or she has been abandoned as they project out their abandonment of the non borderline and in effect then experience the non borderline they are abandoning as having abandoned them.
I answer the questions of a non-borderline who is left wondering why her partner just suddenly pushed away and has been isolating. A look at why borderlines abandon relationships and at how they re-abandon themselves through this abandonment of others. The fact is, to a non-borderline, it just won't make any sense. Nons need to take care of themselves and never mind trying to figure the borderline out.
Non Borderlines need to Break Free of the BPD Maze and find their own recovery
Note: With the title of this article I refer to borderlines in adulthood and I am not referring to the very real abandonment wounds that are often the very foundation and or cause of BPD.
A non-borderline asked me:
"I still haven't heard anything on the BPD and complete and total isolation. How does this play into abandonment, when they have pushed everyone away---kids, parents, all friends, how can a person do that who is afraid of abandonment. It doesn't make any sense.?"
Many borderlines isolate and I would also add for many many reasons. Some of those reasons for isolating may have many common threads to them but there are as many reasons as there are individual borderlines. Of course, the central motivating factor in the isolation of borderlines is largely, fear coupled with an inability to continue relating in any consistent-adult and age-appropriate way.
Most borderlines (until a certain amount of healing has been achieved) are not capable of the same level or amount of relationships or relating as those who do not have BPD (or a major personality disorder) are. Borderlines are often isolating as a way of protecting themselves from pain. The pain that they try to protect themselves from, by isolating, may be past pain, generally, or past pain that is has been recently triggered in the present or a combination of both. For some borderlines they may not have, as of yet, learned how to stay in relationship to others and so when they get to a certain point in what can be very painful attempts to tolerate friendships or relationships they back off - push away and or act out so severely as to drive others away.
Many, if not most of the relationships in the life of someone with very severe (low-functioning) BPD are more often than not actively projected onto or into by the borderline. What this means is that whether it is a lover, spouse, friend, parent, niece etc etc in the borderline's life that is pushed away -- the borderline is most often re-living some aspect of a past traumatic relationship/experience with those that are pushed away. So, to put it plainly, you or whom ever the borderline pushes away, may have done nothing to warrant that. You are being perceived as someone from the borderline's past who hurt them and or abandoned them.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
- Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
- Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
My childhood life experience with abandonment (as I developed and when I had BPD) taught me that it was better to abandon others before they could abandon me. I lived like that for quite some time. It is a painful place to be. It is a place of illusion. The illusion being that one thinks if they abandon the other first it won't hurt like being abandoned. The truth is that when any relationship or friendship ends or is abandoned, withdrawn from or ruptures, it hurts, whether you are the one ending it or not.
In my ebooks and audio programs aimed at non borderlines, among other things, I talk about the reality for most nons that any type of relationship that ruptures or ends with someone with BPD rarely gives the same kind of closure that relationship-endings with non-personality disordered people often offer. This is especially true in the cases where the person with BPD ends a relationship or simply stops communicating. Many non borderlines struggle for some time with this aspect of relationship ruptures with borderlines in a very painful and profoundly confusing process of trying to figure things out.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
- Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
- Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
Borderlines often don't understand the natural aspects of grief and pain when a relationship falls apart, ruptures or just ends. They look at everything as black and white, right and wrong. What hurts is black and wrong and what feels better is right and white. If it hurts at all to relate to you right now, then a borderline will thrust or project that hurt out on the nearest person they are relating to/with and push away, withdraw and or both thinking that this gives them "control". The belief that to operate this way is "control" is the biggest illusion of all. Often the borderline withdraws, stops relating, ends friendships etc quickly and without explaining anything -- often they don't understand this behaviour themselves and then isolates.
Once in this place of isolation they rarely if ever go back because they simply don't know that they have that option (in the cases where the option might apply -- ie a friendship-- not yet dead, or a relationship with a relative). Once you get put in the black-bad category you are then split -- gone, cease to exist or you are gone and become the running focus of the isolating borderline's anger pretty much unceasingly.
Non Borderlines need to Break Free of the BPD Maze and find their own recovery and anything less can and will keep you stuck focusing on why the borderline did what he or she did.
Simply put most of this behaviour on the borderline's part is a recapitulation of his/her past. If they have been abandoned or perceive that they were abandoned in the past they will project that trauma outward and end up abandoning others. This abandonment of others is also an externalization of the borderline's repeated abandonment of authentic-self. Borderlines aren't just abandoning others. They have first and often countless times abandoned themselves. The abandonment of the self leaves the borderline feeling alienated and isolated even within the context of any relationship. It is another factor that gets played out within the cognitive distortions of Borderline Personality Disorder. Don't forget how much of BPD is actually a relational disorder. It stems largely from a failure to attach to a parent/significant "other"/care-giver in infancy or childhood. That original abandonment is replayed over and over with anyone and everyone a borderline will ever know until the borderline faces it and heals it.
A person with BPD who is afraid of abandonment and for whom abandonment threatens his or her sense of identity and existence will abandon "other" before they can be abandoned by "object other". You must realize also, that what feels like abandonment for many borderlines is not "actual abandonment" but is rather "perceived abandonment". Borderlines often perceive abandonment where non is present based upon their own cognitive distorted thoughts and what are often unrealistic expectations to begin with. It's that sort of "if you do thing a -- as I expect you to, you're okay - but if you do thing "b" when I expect thing "a" -- then you don't like me, or love me, or care about me so screw you." and all of that happens inside of the borderline -- consciously or sub-consciously (usually bases upon things from his/her past) and is not anything that an non-borderline can necessarily understand or relate to at all. It is a cognitively-distorted, illogical knee-jerk reaction to stress on the part of many borderlines.
Sometimes abandonment, withdrawal, pushing away or pushing others away is the route chosen due to an inability to articulate (or even understand within him/herself) what his/her boundaries and needs are. Most borderlines cannot assert what they need. Often this inability leads to black and white punishing action.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
- Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
- Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
You are perfectly correct when you say: "It doesn't make sense" Logically, it absolutely does not make sense. But to the tortured, pain-fear-filled reality of BPD it makes sense to a borderline. It is all about protection. It is all about the past. It is about an inability to communicate his/her own needs. Most who are pushed away as a borderline isolates are in one way or another being experienced as "a bad parent". In the case of pushing children away, the children may provoke triggers that take the borderline painfully back to the helplessness and terror they felt at any given age in his/her childhood.
Borderline "reality" is a world that parallels that of the non-borderline. If you haven't suffered the damage that results in BPD, or if whatever you have had to endure in your childhood and emotional maturation has not led to the development of BPD trying to make sense out of "borderline reality" will just be crazy-making. It is far better for a non-borderline to focus on what they need to do for themselves of for children then to focus on what a borderline is or isn't doing that doesn't seem to make sense. It doesn't make logical sense. It "shouldn't". BPD and the resultant behaviour is protective and maladaptive. To expect rational behaviour from someone who is not capable of being rational will only leave one angry, over-invested, lost and with a sense of helplessness.
The same non-borderline continues:
"Why does my bpd go from being in love to "just friends" with no obvious explanation. Why does he never call me yet not completely end the relationship. What is all this passivity about? It makes no sense to me."
I'm sure many on "the other side of BPD" have wondered what you are wondering and have asked that question countless times as well.
Your borderline can go from being in love to "just friends" without explanation due to a lack of object constancy and projections from his past, no doubt. He also, as a borderline, has a personality disorder that (if not well-treated or recovering/recovered) severely restricts his ability to relate.
Something has obviously been perceived as having happened in your borderline's mind. What that is, only he can know or come to know. Something likely triggered his change and he may well not know what it was. He may not understand why he feels as he does. Or he may have a tremendous absence of the feelings he once had -- the love for you -- and not understand why. He many have reacted based upon illogical thoughts. Whatever the scenario was in your individual case he has likely reacted to it by seeking to protect himself. When a borderline feels afraid or threatened or abandoned (and yes even if he has abandoned you he may believe you first abandoned him) they will often react by distancing, being aloof and very cold, by isolating, freezing you out and shutting down any and all emotions. This can be the result of some amount of dissociation as well. If he associates his most recent threat or pain with you he will dissociate from what he feels. The way he can do that is by leaving you alone -- isolating and pulling away.
The "just friends" message mixed with the not completely ending the relationship is a classic borderline mixed message. It's a version of "get away-closer" or "I hate you - don't leave me." It's borderline push-pull as distance re-acquaints the borderline with the fear or panic of the Abandoned Pain of their abandonment. Being borderline is fraught with contradictions and mixed messages. When one does not know who one is (and most borderlines -- again unless well on their way to healing -- don't know who they are) one does not know what one wants or needs. Thus often one will act in ways that tend to leave things up in the air. Much as two children who fight or fall out of friendship might. They may be friends one day and not the next. Friends one minute depending on whether expectations are met or not and not friends in a instant. It is a child-like, childish emotional level of lack of maturity that is likely behind his not either trying to work things out or end them. This state of limbo that it sounds as though you are in -- is just the tip of the ice-berg in terms of the emotional limbo and turmoil that exists within each borderline.
His "passivity" as you refer to it may just be his way of not taking any responsibility. Often borderlines are not able to grasp personal responsibility. He may be confused. He may think that you have done something or abandoned him that ended his being in love with you or (in his mind) your being in love with him and may feel that it is up to you to do something about it. (I am not suggesting it is -- just pointing out what he may perceive from his side)
Again, remember, borderline behaviour is not going to make sense to you. Heck, if I hadn't lived it, in my past, it wouldn't make sense to me either. One who cannot understand it should feel fortunate, really. However, I am sure that you have been hurt. My question to you is, are you being equally as passive? Is it up to him what happens between you two now, or is that something that you want to decide yourself? What do YOU need? What do YOU want? Take care of yourself. If you are hurt enough and or pushed away enough -- if this relationship is not what you want, not working for you -- then perhaps you would be best served to end it? I don't know what you need or want. But I would caution you and anyone else in your situation to take on long hard look at the kind or relationship you've been in and the kind of relationship that you deserve and or might want to be in.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
- Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
- Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
Borderlines, having been damaged in a way that stunts their emotional growth, until they repair the damage, are often very emotionally immature. They cannot relate age-appropriately. They will not likely be "adult" in terms of taking responsibility and so forth. Therefore, it is only natural to assume -- realize that borderlines do not know how to love. They are unaware of who they are. Therefore they cannot love themselves. Anyone who does not know, love and respect "self" cannot respect and love any "other".
If you are a non-borderline be careful that you are not locked into some pattern of unrealistic expectations of a borderline. Unless they are actively involved in therapy and recovery you are more likely to get hurt severely than you are to be loved.
Sometimes what is or seems nonsensical will only make sense in hindsight. By this I mean that it is necessary for you to take care of yourself and that in doing so whatever "consequence" he faces, as the borderline, for his behaviour, you likely each will be left on your own to make sense out of it for yourselves. Often when relationships cease working it is about both partners needs for further growth. Of course, when life or the actions of another leave us faced with this process it is difficult to make sense out of it and it is something that we would not wish for ourselves. Have faith, however, that this experience will, indeed, teach you much more about yourself and give you the opportunity to take a good look at the quality of your relationships and to evaluate what you want to do from here.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - June 18, 2000 with additions June 14, 2008 - All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who, among other things, specializes in working with those with BPD and family members, friends, relationship partners or ex-relationship partners of those with BPD (non borderlines).
Do you think that the childhood "core" abandonment issue or incident - or that which is later perceived as such - is time critical ? That is, do you think that there may be certain quite specific times or growth stages where any sort of abandonment will have more significant after effects than had it happened at some other point in childhood ? Do you think that there may be some very key/crucial times in childhood where any such incident or occurrence , even either only overtones of abandonment, may be particularly devastating.
I ask because abandonment situations may not be incredibly uncommon in childhood unfortunately, and of course there may well be many people who as children experienced some incident which they may have mis perceived as abandonment and yet - and I am not sure of the statistics on this - but not all of course go on to develop BPD or indeed any sort of Mental Health disorder or maladjustment.
I am sure that there are many factors that come into play, such as perhaps a genetic predisposition, individual temperament, variation in environment etc but perhaps also the sheer timing of the event may be a factor ?
I agree that any attempt to truly "understand" how the mind of someone with active BPD works is futile and possibly even a touch arrogant (who am I try to get into the workings of someone else's psyche?) but rather than wondering why some people go on to develop BPD or similar, I do wonder perhaps why more people DON'T.
Same or similar ingredients apparently but with markedly different results after its "out of the oven" so to speak.
Posted by: Gilda | July 21, 2008 at 12:34 AM